Feelings

Beware... lots of rambling and scattered thoughts to follow.

So I have been on a roller coaster the last few days. I know, shocking right. I barely remember Christmas, let alone what has happened over the last week. I keep replaying the events over in my mind to help myself remember, but honestly, they are starting to fade quickly. I keep going back to last week, when everything was great. We were out playing soccer, even Rhys joined in on the action, until something hurt. The next day was better and Christmas morning. I have been looking forward to this for sometime, as Rhys would finally be participating. Later, the whole family was gathered around the Christmas table for a fabulous BBQ dinner. There was talk of every ones future plans, favorite memories, favorite foods, happy times and what to do the next day. We all sat together and watched Inception while Rhys was fast asleep upstairs. I started to get a little uncomfortable but thats been pretty typical. I finally felt down to my stomach and knew instantly that something was wrong. It was hard as a rock, and hadn't let up in hours. I didnt want to ruin the night, or get everyone all alarmed, so I hung out till most people were asleep. I told Justin I thought I was in labor, but we both thought that sounded crazy. After all, I wasnt due for another 7 weeks. After a massage and a blessing I crawled into bed. No more than 2 minutes later, a big gush happened and I thought my water had broke. Peeling back the covers revealed a blood soaked bed. Panic hit then. I called the dr. at home, and said we will see you in the hospital in a few minutes.

We got checked in at 12:30pm. I was already having contractions every 3 minutes and dilated to a 4. I became a pin cushion for needles. IV fluids, steroids, penicillin, magnesium (which is awful by the way), and plenty more I cant recall. The only thing I heard was that I wouldn't be leaving the hospital until I had a baby, and hopefully that would be in a couple of days for the steroids to kick in. Oh, but this particular hospital doesn't deliver babies under 35 weeks, so we would have to be transferred to one 25 minutes away with a better NICU. And we had to hurry because the Magnesium wasn't really working the way they planned. It was supposed to stop the contractions, but it just slowed them down a bit. So a couple of hours and one ambulance ride later we checked into our second hospital of the night.

Another round of Magnesium, more shots and a whole new set of faces, we were hoping this baby would stay put. At 5am there had been no change, so they said they would check me in an hour or so and try to get some rest. At 5:30 I was being told this wasn't really working and I would be delivering in an operating room close to the NICU. All I remember asking was "Wait, WHAT!?!! This baby is coming now? This stuff that has made me feel like I have the flu on top of being in labor isn't even working?!" I had constantly still be bleeding and when they finally broke my water it wasn't going to be long. By this point, I had the shakes and chills so bad, I could hardly breathe on my own. I was dizzy and light headed and trying to fathom having this baby now. There was talk of a cesarean so I asked for an epidural instead. That gave me enough control to focus on breathing for me and baby and he was delivered in 3 pushes. He came out with eyes wide open and crying and I think justin and I both lost it. They took him straight to the NICU and me to recovery and wasnt till several hours later I got to hold my new little son. We got back to the room just in time to call Grandma and tell her take care of Rhys when she got up.

Since then, I feel like I have been torn in two. Literally. I want to be at the hospital, holding the new love of my life. Telling him to stay strong, and keep working hard. Tell him don't forget to breathe, and reminding myself to do the same. I want to sit and snuggle with him for hours because we both sleep better when we are together. I want to kiss his little face and tell him I love him and how excited we are to have him home. I want to watch him sleep and rock him good night. And even though I leave the hospital with a huge grin on my face, my heart breaks every time I walk through those doors with out my son.

And I come home to another piece of me. He is happy, and strong, and determined. He has no idea what is going on. I try to tell him about his little brother and we practice his name, but I don't think it has registered what all this means. I don't want him to feel abandoned or that all we do is leave him with other people, but that's kinda how its been lately. It makes spending all that time at the hospital that much more difficult. That the sweetness of Beckham is tainted by my sadness for Rhys. But he let me rock him to sleep the other day, and I think I cried the whole time. It was just perfect. I would have stayed there for hours.

Hopefully this doesn't last too much longer and I can have my whole family back together again.